Happy Anniversary! Happy re-BIRTHday!
Today would’ve been an anniversary of sorts. I had a multitude of surprises planned to celebrate two years of what I thought to be a “meaningful existence”. Unfortunately/ fortunately (depending on which side you look at), these surprises will have to remain un-sprung.
I never thought that a visit to a local haunt two years to this day (now closed, by the way) for a friend’s birthday would make such a mark on me—now leaving me scarred and in one sense, broken. Little did I know that it would be the start of something that would eventually change my life forever.
How has my life changed, you might ask. There were so many things that I believed in before all of this happened. I thought that people could and would change, that people in general, could and would never intentionally harm another person. I thought that I was invincible—that no one had the power to truly hurt me in every sense of the word (be it physical, emotional, mental, etc.). I believed that I was a strong person—that when placed under certain circumstances, I could very easily walk away. I thought that if I fought hard for what I believed in, I would actually win in the end.
I obviously didn’t and if you think about it, until the very end, I didn’t walk away. I was actually left alone to pick up the pieces. I learned some cold hard truths about myself. I saw a lot of things that I actually didn’t like, things that were surreptitiously thrown at my face. I lost my grasp of what was right and wrong because I was too busy sacrificing my own happiness to see clearly. I sometimes think to myself, when my brain gets all fuzzy, that the pains that I‘ve experienced are in one sense, self-inflicted because I allowed those things to happen to me.
I would be the first to say that the past couple of years have not been all bad. If anything, I always say, “When things are good, they’re great…” (If only this wasn’t followed by “…but when they’re not, things can get really ugly.”) I had good time and great experiences too, though far-spaced and towards the end, fleeting. I have felt love and at one point, I have been swept off my feet by it. I still have a mental picture of “the last happy day” I had but even that is starting to fade.
It’s you who takes away the emptiness
I find myself falling helplessly into
It’s your love that carries me through,
Your touch that pulls me up,
And your kiss that inspires me
To put together the ends of the earth
I love you endlessly,
Like the stars in the night
That shimmer in the distance,
Undeniable and clear.
Those words struck a chord in my heart some time ago. On days when the sun wasn’t particularly shining on my miniscule space on this planet, I would go back and let those words fill me up inside. It was the only remaining message that I treasured, that I kept, but only up to this day. After which, my inbox will be free…until such time that a new message finds its way to me.
I don’t want this day to lose its meaning because I know that this is something that I will carry with me till the end of my days. So, today will be the birth of a new ME. Today, I am genuinely happy and smiling. Today, I begin to let go of the hurts and pains that I have allowed myself to be engulfed in. Today, I am moving on. God, It feels so good to say that out loud. I’m in PHASE 1, baby! Hahahaha :)
I promise you dear readers (all 3 or 4 of you…Hi Mom!) that this is my last uber long dramatic post, (at least until the next earth-shattering event that’ll rock my world!) Only happy thoughts and stories of new adventures with the new (and old) people in my life from now on. Thank you for bearing with me! :)
I have not sworn off love nor will I ever because I know that there is someone, somewhere waiting for me. I was utterly amused when my brother told my Mom, “How will she know she’s with the right one if she doesn’t go through the wrong ones?” ‘Nuff said.
“Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with, and love shouldn’t be one of them.”
-Dreams for an Insomniac
I never thought that a visit to a local haunt two years to this day (now closed, by the way) for a friend’s birthday would make such a mark on me—now leaving me scarred and in one sense, broken. Little did I know that it would be the start of something that would eventually change my life forever.
How has my life changed, you might ask. There were so many things that I believed in before all of this happened. I thought that people could and would change, that people in general, could and would never intentionally harm another person. I thought that I was invincible—that no one had the power to truly hurt me in every sense of the word (be it physical, emotional, mental, etc.). I believed that I was a strong person—that when placed under certain circumstances, I could very easily walk away. I thought that if I fought hard for what I believed in, I would actually win in the end.
I obviously didn’t and if you think about it, until the very end, I didn’t walk away. I was actually left alone to pick up the pieces. I learned some cold hard truths about myself. I saw a lot of things that I actually didn’t like, things that were surreptitiously thrown at my face. I lost my grasp of what was right and wrong because I was too busy sacrificing my own happiness to see clearly. I sometimes think to myself, when my brain gets all fuzzy, that the pains that I‘ve experienced are in one sense, self-inflicted because I allowed those things to happen to me.
I would be the first to say that the past couple of years have not been all bad. If anything, I always say, “When things are good, they’re great…” (If only this wasn’t followed by “…but when they’re not, things can get really ugly.”) I had good time and great experiences too, though far-spaced and towards the end, fleeting. I have felt love and at one point, I have been swept off my feet by it. I still have a mental picture of “the last happy day” I had but even that is starting to fade.
It’s you who takes away the emptiness
I find myself falling helplessly into
It’s your love that carries me through,
Your touch that pulls me up,
And your kiss that inspires me
To put together the ends of the earth
I love you endlessly,
Like the stars in the night
That shimmer in the distance,
Undeniable and clear.
Those words struck a chord in my heart some time ago. On days when the sun wasn’t particularly shining on my miniscule space on this planet, I would go back and let those words fill me up inside. It was the only remaining message that I treasured, that I kept, but only up to this day. After which, my inbox will be free…until such time that a new message finds its way to me.
I don’t want this day to lose its meaning because I know that this is something that I will carry with me till the end of my days. So, today will be the birth of a new ME. Today, I am genuinely happy and smiling. Today, I begin to let go of the hurts and pains that I have allowed myself to be engulfed in. Today, I am moving on. God, It feels so good to say that out loud. I’m in PHASE 1, baby! Hahahaha :)
I promise you dear readers (all 3 or 4 of you…Hi Mom!) that this is my last uber long dramatic post, (at least until the next earth-shattering event that’ll rock my world!) Only happy thoughts and stories of new adventures with the new (and old) people in my life from now on. Thank you for bearing with me! :)
I have not sworn off love nor will I ever because I know that there is someone, somewhere waiting for me. I was utterly amused when my brother told my Mom, “How will she know she’s with the right one if she doesn’t go through the wrong ones?” ‘Nuff said.
“Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life to deal with, and love shouldn’t be one of them.”
-Dreams for an Insomniac
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