08 June, 2010

Lackluster

I feel that I have neglected this blog for too long. Looking back at my really old posts, I feel (and this is entirely my own personal opinion) that I was witty enough and that I had a pretty good sense of humour.

Now, I just feel so angsty.. that I have far too many issues to write anything of interest to anyone --or to myself even. I think I can honestly say that I miss the "old" me -- not that I'd give up any of the "new" me... It's just hard to have transitioned into who I am now and hope to find traces of the person that I had thought myself to be. Does any of this make sense anyway???!

Work is stressful - but that isn't something that's unique to my job. everyone has their own form of stress regardless of what their job description is. I feel the need to inject some passion in my life, to do something that that inspires me and makes me feel crazy-alive. I think I need a career-change or a life-change. I think I think too much and that I don't spend enough time actually thinking.

I'm a lost "grown-up". I've lost the child in me.

17 May, 2010

I'm in ruins...

21 Guns
Green Day

Do you know what's worth fighting for?
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?

Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone?

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms, give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky, you and I

04 January, 2010

Hello 2010!

Defying Gravity from Wicked

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I am defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you wont bring me down!

I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And never bring me down!
bring me down!

23 December, 2009

Facebook is not the culprit

My blog has long been neglected but I must say that Facebook and the other social networking sites are not the culprit. There have just been too many things that happened in my life and I just never found the energy or the strength to put all my feelings into words.

There are only several days in 2009 left and looking back, I must say that it's been a generally good year.

I became a purple person and on certain occasions morphed into a person I don't recognize.

I was challenged and pushed to my limits but my lightbulb moments pulled me through.

I gained 20 pounds but also reached a level of happiness that I have not felt in such a long time. (yes, the inverse proportion still stands. MoFo!)

I found love but lost my father.

I became more aware of the power of the love of your family but had to learn it the painful way.

I got displaced but also found my 'place' on this earth.

I haven't spoken to Him much but that's always been a work in progress.

I lost a big amount of money but felt abundantly blessed just the same.

I visited new sites and went on fun adventures but at one point felt like I lost my way.

I made new friends and learned to let go of those who weren't real.

I got wasted and wreckaged but saw how much I am loved (thank you dear friends).

I spent more time in the kitchen and applied my Mom's tricks of the trade (got burnt in the process).

I learnt that I still can't let go cos I don't know how to forgive myself.

I discovered that I can forgive and forget.. but not for some things and not for all people.

I became debt-free and indebted all over again. (It's a vicious vicious cycle)

I grew up.

2010 is fast-approaching. Christmas even faster (though I still don't feel the spirit. Bah hambug!) I may not be prepared for the things that are set my way in the coming year but I know that 2009 will leave me prepared for most things. To the choice few who will click on this link, I pray that your year has been (at the very least) as fruitful and colorful as mine and I wish that your 2010 will bring in more blessings and more joy in your life/ lives.

Kampai!

19 August, 2009

Wait it Out

Wait It Out
Imogen Heap
Where do we go from here?
How do we carry on?
I can't get beyond the questions.
Clambering for the scraps
in the shatter of us collapsed.
It cuts me with every could-have-been.

Pain on pain on play, repeating
With the backup makeshift life in waiting.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

There's nothing to see here now,
turning the sign around;
We're closed to the Earth 'til further notice.
Clambering for the scraps,
clambering in the light.
We're closed to the Earth 'til further...

An all-out one, only one street-level miracle.
I'll be a an out-and-out, born again from none more cynical.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?
Are we just going to wait it out?

And sit here cold?
Look, you'll be long gone by then.
And lackluster in dust we lay
'round old magazines.
Fluorescent lighting sets the scene
for all we could and should being
in the one life that we've got.

Everybody says that time heals everything.
But what of the wretched hollow?
The endless in-between?

Are we just going to wait it out?
Just going to sweat it out?
Just going to sweat it out?
Wait it out.
This is all surreal. It's been a few weeks only and thigns seem to be getting worse and worse. I still can't function right... I feel alone and at odds with the world. There are far too many things to deal with and I don't have a gameplan for any of this.
I. AM. SO. EXHAUSTED.
I want to escape...but to where? What is allowed? What is right? Where do I belong?
I. AM. SO. EXHAUSTED.

21 March, 2009

Truly Not Asia

* This post may insult people who live in, have travelled to, enjoyed, love (etc., etc., etc.) Malaysia so if this you're going to take this personnaly. Please quit reading this post now.

I am still at the airport in Malaysia as I write this but I can say with conviction:

It will definitely take an undefiable force of nature for me to return to this hellhole.

I would never ever give-up anything and anyone in Manila to stay in this country or live here. This probably just isn't my day but just the same, I can't help but feel negatively towards this place. Being back at work has been both fulfilling and stressful so this pre-planned trip with C, M and thier friends was definitely something that I welcomed--even if it meant being away from Jimmy and everyone else for an entire week but I can't help but feel that this is the most stressful trip I've ever been on in my entire life.

My bro and the others stayed on to continue to Bangkok tomorrow and I honestly wish them luck. Some of this trips lowlights:

1. We had just come from Singapore so there was a stark contrast from the moment we landed here. The lady at the tourist information help desk was much happier chatting on the phone than to actually go and help the tourists.

2. The smell. You can't miss it. 'Nuff said about that.

3. Never trust internet pictures. I'm sure almost 100% of all 'eyeballs' are always miles different from actual photos which explains the actual state of the hotel we stayed in. Kudos to the photographer though. I'm just thankful the people were nice and always helpful.

4. Their transportation system is a mystery to me. I have no idea how buses and trains work here. It doesn't help that the names are hard to pronounce, the map doesn't quite show everything and people can hardly speak English.

5. No, I am not Japanese or Korean or Malaysian or a mery mix of different nationalities. Pilipino ako! And because I can wear tanktops and not have to walk around wrapped from head-to-toe does not give anyone the right to be all "WOW!!!" and ogle my breasts. NO. THAT IS WRONG. Regardless of the time and place.

6. Because I had some errands to run and because I could not afford to be too far from the hotel we stayed in, I opted to go around the Bintang area to explore. While killing time at the bookstore, someone managed to get a hold of my mobile phone from my pocket. "I curse you and your next of kin. May sickness and death plague your bloodline forever!!!" It was a crappy phone but it worked and just the idea of someone stealig something from me just makes me sick to my stomach.

7. The cabbie brought me to the wrong airport. Good thing he gave me his phone number so my bro could use him to get to the airport tomorrow because he was kind enough to bring me to the right one. You rock Radzi! Thank you for getting me one step closer to home.

That's about 7 of Malaysia's deadly sins committed against me. I have almost an hour to go till i have to get on the plane and quite honestly, I'm so scared that something else is going to happen. The best thing I learned on this trip: MANILA ROCKS AND KICKS SOME SERIOUS ASS! 3 stars and a sun!!!

Manila.. I'm coming home.. :p

10 March, 2009

Hello, Goodbye

I realized that it has been ages since I last blogged and obviously there have been a lot of changes that I have gone through in the last few months.

1 - HELLO: I am now a "purple person". It feels good to be back at work but admittedly, I still haven't gotten into the full-swing of things. Who starts work at 8am anyway??!!! To be honest, I think I've only gotten to the office at that time once and I'm not too sure there'll be a second time. It feels like I'm in a totally different planet. The people are cool and forever on-the-go. I worry sometimes how they stay sane and if I'll ever get as busy as them. (my fingers are crossed!)The downside: Lotus notes and timesheets--What the...??!!! Seriously??!!!

2 - Today! HELLO: Jimmy! :) Suffice to say, I'm happy. We're happy. I know that this ride is about to get a lot crazy in the next few months but he makes me feel that it'll be worth it.

3 - HELLO: Indy (for Indigo/ Indiana Jones meaning its main purpose is to go on adventures, formerly known as WarCar) has risen from the ashes and while I totally disagree with Pix and Jimmy, he is not Purple. He's still blue (a really really shiny and pretty blue!) cos my registration says so. Although, Indy is an entirely different creature from WarCar because he seems to have a mind of his own. He gets annoyed at me and literally throws a fit when I don't step on it and when I don't push him to his maximum potential and speed. My life is more at risk now when I drive slow. Just when I was trying to reform my psycho/jeepney driver ways... tsk tsk tsk!

4 - GOODBYE: SB-ness! I am possibly a good 10 pounds heavier than my last blog entry. I guess the SB theory must really hold true. (For those who are not in the know, the Skeeny Beetch Theory states that your skinny-ness is indirectly proportional to your happiness. In short: payatola = miserable ka and juby/fitzz = happiness.) Jimmy and some other people think this is a better look for me though. I still don't believe that men like their women 'meatier'.

5 - HELLO: new family members! GOODBYE: single blessedness! 2 of my best-est friends are getting married this year. G this Friday and Fifi in November. Two of my cousins are also getting married this year - May and November. My bio-clock is going ticktock but obviously, I'm not quite in panic mode just yet. My new hope ring helps a great deal in keeping me from worrying too.

6 - GOODBYE: Cynicism! On a recent trip to Baguio, something in me changed drastically and dramatically. It could've been the 14 hours of rolling but just the same, I am now not as cynical and pessimistic as I used to be. I must've inhaled an insane amount of pixie dust--thanks a lot Pix! Basta ngayon 'steady-bears' lang tayo parati.. :)

7 - GOODBYE: tears! It's all about moving forward. Maybe things are neither forgiven nor forgotten -- because they simply should not be.. but at least I'm definitely in a better place. At the very least, it was character-building and it's good to know that I am no longer 'stupefied'. (We really must share this language with the world Pix!) Wala na raw akong karpatan magmaasim! And to that I say-- NAMAN!!! Hehe ;)

8 - HELLO: Rockband! I actually played for the first time last weekend and it was so much fun. I just wish that we can really get our band together and have our own 'final set' just to get it out of my system.

9 - GOODBYE: color! For some reason, I've been gravitating towards all things gray when I'm out shopping. I feel drab so I will consciously inject color into my daily wardrobe. I not only went colorblind, I also turned into a Stepford-wife! Deargawd! No, I did not become fashionably-retarded but I may have cleaned-up a little I must get some of my "old mojo" back.. just a little bit lest Pix burn me alive on the spot.

10 - HELLO: WORLD! Yes, I'm alive and I am so kickin' it! ;)

Times Like These
Foo Fighters

I am a one way motorway
I'm the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I'm a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again
It's times like these you give and give again
It's times like these you learn to love again
It's times like these time and time again