Reflections

“Our scars have the power to remind us that the past was real.”
- Hannibal Lecter, Hannibal

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Holy Week is supposed to be a time of reflection, of healing and of communing with Him. True to form, I only managed to cover the reflection part. Healing and communing with Him would’ve been pushing it really.

I was able to steal away from the madness of the city and hit the beach for a couple of days. I burnt my skin, smoked my lungs out, drowned my sorrows and tried my hardest to roast my brain cells so I wouldn’t have to think of anything and everything. Even with a minor distraction in my midst, I wasn’t all too successful. I couldn’t get my mind to stop thinking. Idle hands but busy mind.

In the days that have passed, I was once again reminded that in this lifetime, a lot of people will come my way—Each playing a different role, having a different purpose, making and leaving different dents and marks in my life. There are those who will surely be by my side as I grow old and gray, there are those who will stay far longer than anticipated, some would’ve been gone just as quickly as they arrived and still others, who will have been gone too soon for my own liking but the mark that they leave is deeper and more lasting than their actual presence.

In the industry that I am in most especially, I am often reminded to keep my guards up and to be wary of the people that I share my thoughts and opinions with for fear that they will pass their unsolicited judgement over the inner workings of my deranged mind. People wear different masks all the time—admittedly, even I do but there are a choice few that I am able to reveal my true self to and there isn’t a day that I am not grateful for them. We may encounter some bumps along the way but it’s these people that manage to keep my head up, that pull me out of the water when I’m not even aware that I’m already drowning.

It's true that over time, old wounds heal and you are able to move on and move forward from past hurts. You learn to forgive and while I'm not one to forget, I don't burn bridges (although on some occasions, I put up massive roadblocks to avoid more conflict or tension) It feels good to be able to return to a place that was once my "second home" and to be welcomed with open arms by my "second dad" whose words "Ang nawawala kong anak.." with a bearhug that only fathers can give almost made me breakdown in tears (Thank you Manang for chopping fish in the kitchen. It was definitely the stench that kept my emotions in check). I know most people will disagree with my decision to burry the hatchet but I don't really feel the need to continue carrying that burden and that hurt around any more. I'm past it. We're both past it. 'Nuff said.

It's also true that time melts away the anger that we allow to burn within us. Unfortunately, this leaves a window of opportunity for indifference to settle in. For a choice few, I have chosen this path. I would rather emotionally disconnect and distance myself from these people rather than give them the opportunity to crawl under my skin and test my patience yet again. I may not be as forgiving as I have been.

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You know how when you enter the theater to watch a “new” movie knowing full well how the story is going to turn out because that’s exactly how stories like that ALWAYS turn out?! And even with that knowledge in mind, you still willingly sit through the movie and wait for the restof the story to unfold in the exact manner you knew it would. This must be one of the longest and crappiest movies I’ve ever seen and yes, I’m still stupidly sitting through it (and living it even). Unfortunately for me, I will surely come out of this as the antagonist rather than the protagonist. Ugh! Sometimes my own stupidity amazes me. Everytime I think I've reached the maximum limit, I still find a little slack to move around in. Un-frikkin-believable.

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Silent All These Years
Tori Amos

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won't bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin' at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I'm a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don't care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it's been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there's a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I'm stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we're too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let's hear what you think of me now
But baby don't look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It's your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin' at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

And it's been here
Silent all these years
I've been here
Silent all these years