Tongue in Cheek

"There are only the pursued, the pursuing, the busy and the tired.."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

It's been three friggin' weeks and I haven't gotten any real sleep (even when I'm aided by 'friends'). On average, I'm currently at three hours a day. If I'm lucky, I can go up to four hours. I cam't seem to fall asleep hence, waking up in time for work has grown more tedious. I. AM. SO. GODDAMN. TIRED.

Maybe I'm not dealing with my grief and with the other things in my life the right way-- is there even such a thing?!! I don't think I know what I'm doing half the time. I'm one of those old school zombies (not the 28 Weeks Later sort which is unfortunate in this case and this case alone) -- tripping over my own feet, bruising and scratching my appendages and bumping into inanimate objects. My limbs are crying out for a really good massage (or a really good solid hug)--which I don't seem to have the time for. I am literally sleepwalking ang talking through each and every day-- especially here at the Pancitan. I've been moving around like a space cadet, treading lightly, floating by with no gravity to pull me back down. I'm here but not really. I think I might actually be losing my mind.. Magaling lang yata talaga ako magdala..That's just peachy-keen. Really.

I'm working on a new project with a new client. It's a bit demanding and the pressure is definitely on. I'm multi-tasking yet again but I'm not exactly complaining because projects--no matter how big or small-- continue to come in and each brings new and "higher" learning. There's always something different for me to do so it's all good. Plus the team I'm working with is cool. We're working directly with client so in a way, we're a bit more relaxed although we carry a lot more responsibility--I'm scared shitless really but Go Team! Bingo Bonanza! (I promise to at least try to ensure that our next shoot doesn't land on a holiday or a long weekend.. especially your birthday okay JenFajPan??!! Hehehe)

It's been a rather busy but very interesting day today. I had the odd job of presenting in front of a panel of "judges" and in a span of maybe 10 minutes, got both boards approved. Wooosaah!!! I take no credit whatsoever because I was fed with most of the "answers" but it puts me on such a high. In every project, there's always a first and I guess I should just be thankful for the experience. Thank goodness I had 'back-up'. It added to the pressure of having to fake knowing what I was doing but all's well that ends well. Funny though bcause just when I was beginning to think that finally, the universe isn't conspiring against me, I find that I may have spoken too soon. Haaaaaay! Talo ko pa adik na nagpakasabog sa uppers sabay tumira at nag-OD sa downers. Bawal lang yata talaga akong maging masaya. Nakampuchang buhay to'!!!! I keep forgetting that I may actually be somebody who's not equipped for these things. (See Partner, I never really abandoned ship. I just took a swim out in the ocean cos' it was warm and the water looked so appealing..but I'm back right where we were always meant to be..) I oughta stop saying things out loud lest the universe realizes it skipped me on its "Who-to-Mess-up Today" List Ugh!

So that pretty much covers the 'busy' and the 'tired' part. As for being pursued and pursuing.. I don't know really. I've learned to level my expectations or if anything, to not expect anything from anyone anymore. Taking a step back and looking at the bigger picture and accepting that sometimes things just don't go the way you want them to or you thought they'd go can be very liberating. I'm trying to just take things as they come and only on the surface-level--no more analyzing, no over-thinking, no emo-rollercoaster rides, no unneccessary movement/action. no promises, no strings attached.

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Everybody needs a little help sometimes.. I'm calling out to the universe.. Please give me a break.. I don't know how long I can keep this up... I'm sinking quickly.. I need to come up for air..

I Can't Do This
Plumb

I woke up late.
Guess I'm never really early.
I hesitate,
Only to fail.
I get so tired
Of procrastinating.
I need a change.

I can't do this.
I can't do this by myself.
I can't do this.
Oh God, I need your help.

I'm standing still,
Moved so peaceful.
I can't pretend
That I'm fine.
I get so ill,
Crazy, agitated
When I'm not really dying.

Press into me.
Breathe the air.
Bask in me.
You'll be free
To do anything.