Merry Friggin' Xmas

And so that was Christmas...

It came and went without me really feeling the holiday "spirit", especially when it was capped off with unpleasantries from people in the Pancitan. MoFo! Parang hindi nag-Pasko! I thank YOU profusely for ruining my already rotten holiday season. Thank YOU for rendering me useless and in tears on my bathroom floor while YOU were probably relishing in your miniscule "triumph". Maraming Salamat!

I feel so drained. I keep wishing for the year to end and for a new 'life' to begin. It's only a few days till' 2007 comes and I just can't wait. At the same time, I can't help but feel scared because I don't know what to expect. I don't know what the coming year has in store for me--even if I already have the first two months mapped-out in terms of work. I swear, if it's anything like 2006, please let the earth open up and swallow me whole now.

*** *** ***

Life is lonely when you're harboring a lot of anger and hatred. I'm trying to come to terms with the ghosts of my past but like my TagTeam partner Hatsummomo said, these ghosts are territotial and it looks as if they're here to stay. (While we share some very odd parallelisms in our crazy lives, I worry about you still because you always manage to top me a thousandfold. Di ko kaya ganyang levels, Mars! Takot ako! It's hard and there are a lot of forces around you that probably make it even harder, but hang in there. I need you. We all do. Moreover, we want you to stick around.. for a long time. Trade me "happy pills" pleeeaaase!)

In both of our cases, what people sometimes fail to see is that this breakdown is 26 years (27 in hers) in the making and it's long-overdue. I cannot simply get out of it in a just snap--very much unlike how I fell into it. It's harder even with people negating what I'm feeling. How is that even remotely possible?! How can someone else appear to know what I'm feeling more than me?!

When did I turn into a whiny-self-loathing-biatch?! I'm doing a Meredith--> I'm dark and twisty all over. (Have you seen my childhood?!) I have baggage from all corners of the universe and I luckily chance upon people who have more baggage than me and who are far more damaged than I am. What a happy camp I'm building here! No wonder my heart is black and blue all over..Whoopeee! Somebody light the fireworks already!

*** *** ***
I'm trying to embed this is into my muddled-head.

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. So this thing where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, it's usually a load of bull. So we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. No matter how much we hurt them. The people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."
- Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy


LOVE WILL COME TO YOU
Indigo Girls

Guess I wasnt the best one to ask
Me, myself with my face pressed
Up against love's glass
To see the shiny toy I've been hoping for
The one I never can afford
The wide world spins and spits turmoil
And the nations toil for peace
But the paws of fear upon your chest
Only love can soothe that beast
And my words are paper tigers
No match for the predators of pain inside her

I say love will come to you
Hoping just because I spoke the words that they're true
As if I offered up a crystal ball to look through
Where there's now one, there will be two

I was born under the sign of cancer
(Love will come to you)
Like brushing cloth I smooth the wrinkles for an answer
(Love will come)
I'm always closing my eyes and wishing Im fine
(I close my eyes and wish you fine)
Even though I know I'm not this time
(Even though I know you're not this time)

Dodging your memories a field of knives
Always on the outside looking in on other's lives

And I wish her insight to battle love's blindness
Strength from the milk of human kindness
A safe place for all the pieces that scattered
Learn to pretend there's more than love that matters

Hoi Polloi I Am

Masa at may slight kabaduyan factor pero I super love this song. Galing! Who writes lines like "sa mundo ng kawalan" at age 14???!!! I guess it's no surprise she won the tilt. I'm sure her network can't wait to milk her for all she's worth. Heck, they started even when she was inside the Academy. Palakpakan naman jan mga bata! (Love you Fif! Hehehe)

Thank you Girlies or pulling me--though only for a short and fleeting moment--out of yesterday's funk. I honestly thought my face was gonna stay frozen in that deadpan state forever. I needed to smile, laugh and cackle.. and it's only the two of you who really know how to make me do that (although sometimes at the expense of some poor jane or john). I love you! Can't wait for our "rocking chair" years to come. It'll be easier to cackle without teeth.

HAWAK KAMAY
Yeng Constantino

Minsan madarama mo kay bigat ng problema
Minsan mahihirapan ka at masasabing “di ko makakaya”
Tumingin ka lang sa langit
Baka sakaling may masumpungan
Di kaya ako’y tawagin
Malalaman mong kahit kailan

Hawak-kamay
Di kita iiwan sa paglakbay
Dito sa mundong walang katiyakan
Hawak-kamay
Di kita bibitawan sa paglalakbay
Sa mundo ng kawalan

Minsan madarama mo
Ang mundo’y gumuho sa ilalim ng iyong mga paa
At ang agos ng problema’y tinatangay ka
Tumingin ka lang sa langit
Baka sakaling may masumpungan
Di kaya ako’y tawagin
Malalaman mong kahit kailan

Wag mong sabihin nag-iisa ka
Laging isipin meron kang kasama
Narito ako, Narito ako…

*** *** ***

Christmas is a sneeze away and I still haven't made a Christmas list and I haven't started on my Christmas shopping. My friends find it really weird since I'm usually one of the early Christmas shoppers. This time last year, I had almost all of my gifts wrapped and ready for delivery but I just can't bring myself to get into the spirit. Hindi ko lang kaya maging masaya at lalo ako nalulungkot pag maraming nagtatawanan sa paligid ko. Nakakabaliw! Malungkot ako pero bakit ayaw nyo lahat maniwala?!

*** *** ***

Jojo, don't leave na please.. I need you here.. :(

*** *** ***
Spent some time with Mafia after the longest time. It brings me back to days when life was simpler and when I was happy. It's been too long really but I'm glad that they give me the same regard as before even if things and "titles" have changed.

*** *** ***
Hindi kita maintindihan.. Ano ba talaga gusto mo?!! Ang gulo mo! Sinusubukan ko na nga magmove-on, eto ka nanaman. Kung ayaw mo, huwag mo. Hindi pwedeng patay-sindi. Hindi pwedeng kung kelan mo lang maisipan. Nakakasawa na.

*** *** ***
In keeping with this post's theme, here's another song I'm currently tripping on. I was rooting for her even if I knew she wasn't gonna win.. Oh well..

BEHIND THOSE EYES
Panky Trinidad & Chai Fonacier

The shadow lies a bit too long across my path
And it bleeds too much on blue grey gutters and fireflies
Black and cold into my shoes turn my skin blue
A little spider crawling out to weave around my heart in moonlight wind

And when you see my eyes, does your heart receive these words in mine
And when you close your eyes, do you see me in these dreams I hide
If I could steal one thing, I would grab your heart and make it mine
For your heart

Little thoughts and feelings found behind those eyes
I refuse to know the truth, to know the reason why you and I can never be
I try to build a wall, try to heal the hurt inside
But it pains me even more to know that it’s too late, that I’m too late

‘Cause I can’t see your face every time I gaze those skies when I cry
Doesn’t feel so right but you can never be mine

Does your heart receive these words in mine
Do you see me in these dreams I hide
I would grab your heart and make it mine
I would grab your heart and make it mine

Mindless Randomness

Wala lang.

*** *** ***
Rule # 1. You can only say YES or NO!
Rule # 2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING!

Taken a picture naked?
- yes

Danced in front of your mirror?
- yes

Told a lie?
- yes

Gotten in a car with people you just met?
- no

Been in a fist fight?
- yes

Been arrested?
- no

Left your house without telling your parents?
- yes

Ditched school to do something more fun?
- yes

Seen someone die?
- no

Kissed a picture?
- no

Slept in until 3pm?
- yes

Fallen asleep at work/school?
- yes

Felt an earthquake?
- yes

Made out with a total stranger?
- yes

Touched a snake?
- no

Been in a car accident?
- YES! (Gedemmit!)

Pole danced?
- no

Been lost?
- yes

Sang in a videoke?
- yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
- no

Sang in the shower?
- yes

Ever gone to school partially naked?
- no

Sat on a roof top?
- no

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
- no

Been told you're hot by a complete stranger?
- yes

Forgotten someone's name?
- yes

Slept naked?
- yes

Blacked out from drinking?
- yes

Felt like killing someone?
- YES!!!

Made a parent cry?
- yes.

Had/Have a dog?
- yes

Been in a band?
- yes

Drank 25 sodas in a day?
- no

Shot a gun?
- no

Ever wanted to kill an ex?
- YES!!! (Hello?!!)

Dramarama

They say everything comes in 3's. I must be on my 20th or something and it just keeps on coming.. Why won't it stop coming??!!

I spent last night desperately trying to bury Ms.Hyde and to drown my evil thoughts. It gets harder each and every day. I'm snappish and overly-sensitive because I'm angry. Because I'm hurt. Because I don't think it's fair. Because I'm just so f***in' sick of everything. Because I'm tired. Because I've given up a long time ago and yet I find myself awake each and every morning. I want to unload all the emo-baggage that I've been lugging around but I can't. I should. But I won't. And I don't. Mamatay na yata ako sa sama ng loob pero ang tagal-tagal-TAGAL!!!

*** *** ***
YOU.
ARE.
UNVELIEVABLE.

SOMETHING I NEVER HAD
Lindsay Lohan

Do you see me
Do you feel me like I feel you
Call your number
But I cannot get through
You don't hear me
And I don't understand
When I reach out
I don't find your hand

Were they wasted words
And did they mean a thing
And all that precious time
But I still feel so in between

Someday, I just keep pretending
That you'll stay
Dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on
But it hurts so bad
And I can't keep something that I never had

I keep tellin' myself
Things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out
You could always change your mind
Like a fairy tale
Where it works out in the end
Can I close my eyes
Have you lying here again
Then I come back down
Then I fade back in
Then I realize
It's just what might have been

Am I a shadow on your wall...
Am I anything at all...
Anything to you?
Am I a secret that you keep...
Do you dream me while your sleeping...
After all?

You don't see me
You don't feel me like I feel you

It's Official!

I'm skipping Christmas this year!

PS
Birthday shoutout to my bro Chong Pagong. We bicker and fight a lot but you know there's love. I got your back! Always!

Baaaah!

MEN!!!
(Correction: Little Boys!@?%**!!)

IRREPLACEABLE
Beyonce

To the left
To the left

Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet that's my stuff - Yes
If I bought it nigga please don't touch
And keep talking that mess, that's fine
But could you walk and talk at the same time
And It's my name that is on that Jag
So remove your bags let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard telling me
How I'm such a fool - Talking about
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact he'll be here in a minute - baby

You must not know about me
You must not know about me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
And  call up on that chick and see if she's home
Oops, I bet ya thought that I didn't know
What did you think I was putting you out for?
Cause you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby you dropped them keys hurry up before your taxi leaves

So since I’m not your everything
How about I'll be nothing
Nothing at all to you
Baby I wont shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy

*** *** ***

From an emo fuckwit, I am now a certified zombie. I am going through the motions of my daily existence but I am neither feeling nor experiencing any of it. I'm sick--but I don't have a remedy. I go through each day either passively taking in whatever it is that Life has decided to throw my way or absolutely seething with anger. I am close to a recluse. I seek comfort under the sheets, behind a good book or watching my fave series on DVD. I still get some semblance of joy from shopping but I don't feel the same rush of excitement that I used to. Everything I know has changed and people continue to let me down--especially when I need them the most and most especially after I pour my heart and soul to them. It's stupid to place any emotional attachment on anybody because 9 out of 10 times, that person will not come through for you.

Things here at the Pancitan (Yes, I will be calling my workplace as such because people have somewhat grown accustomed to coming to us with an 'I-want-a-giant-bilao-of-instant-pancit-NOW-NA!' attitude. Annoying sometimes really!) have taken its toll on me. Each morning is greeted with an immense feeling of dread. I used to look forward to each workday because it used to provide a safe haven for me/ an escape of sorts but that's not quite how things are now. Nakakapagod na talaga ang politika dito. Ba't di nalang kasi lumugar ang mga tao? Isa lang ang Bossing dito AT hindi kayo yun kaya kung pwede lang, magsi-tigil na kayo!!! Lahat kayo magagaling. Lahat kayo perpektong tao! MoFos really! Gaaaad!

As the year ends, I have some really big decisions to make. It's scary and I've been trying to out them aside but I know I can't keep running for long. Weekends are tough because that's when I feel the pressure the most. Only a few weeks till 2007. I hope the anxiety and stress kills me before the fireworks go off. I don't have the strength to do it myself.