The Moment Passed Us By
I woke up a new person today, not necessarily better and definitely not whole. Actually, maybe different rather than new. I can say that I am looking at the world with different eyes
The past couple of weeks have been tumultuous to say the least, but it’s finally over. Though I try, I still find it hard to breathe a sigh of relief. Mainly because I know that this marks the end of something that I always thought would be great, something that remains to be the biggest part of my life, something that was the center of my universe, to the point that I was subconsciously (and yes, consciously) allowing it to eat me alive, something that I built my hopes and dreams on, something that for the longest time I believed in and thought to be real and true, something that even on its final hour, its dying breath, I fought for, of something that I will always and forever hold dear to my heart.
"Ang buhay ay isang gulong". I feel that in a span of two years, I have gone full circle. Everyone will have their fair share of ups and downs. It’s just a matter of getting back up on your feet when things aren’t exactly going your way.
There are many things that I regret and there are many things that I so desperately want to change, thinking that maybe it would’ve changed the outcome and the way things are now but then again, maybe this is how it’s really supposed to be. We were just delaying the inevitable. There is a reason for everything and there are lessons to be learnt from every event (though unfortunate) that occurs. I have yet to figure out what some of those are. I only pray that (God forbid!) should I be placed in the same situation, I might actually make the smarter decision.
I feel as if I just woke up from a really deep sleep and now that I am awake, I am unsure of what to do and where to go. I’m in limbo but for the sake of those who believe in me and for those who see me as the strongest person they know, I have to put on a brave face. It’s so hard not to break down when truly, that’s the only thing I want to do. I will not allow myself to, at least not yet.
As every second and every minute passes me by, I feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. I feel like I’m suffocating when ironically, for the first time in ages, I am free. Maybe it’s because this wasn’t what I wanted although admittedly, it was partly my doing. My umbilical cord was cut even before I was ready to be born and now, I am left to fend for myself and to operate on my own. Where do I go from here? How do I let go?
The other day I was able to come to terms with one of the many ghosts that has been haunting my life for so long. I realized that there are people who are inherently good and forgiving even when by experience, I’ve been made to think otherwise. I’m trying to start this new lease on life with a clean slate. I think maybe this might be one of the brightest ideas I’ve ever had.
I’m still smarting from the recent blows that I’ve received. I haven’t even begun to move on, I’m not sure I know how. Everyday, I actually wonder if I’ll survive this heartache and if someday, I might be okay. The people who care about me confidently say that I will be but I still have my doubts. I’ve also been asking myself if everything that I’ve been through was worth it. I’m still weighing things in my head and more so, in my heart.
It’s no joke to open yourself up the way I did. I lay down my guard and I allowed myself to be vulnerable to hurtful and violent tirades but there’s really no one to blame. I chose to love and love I did. I wish I had come out of it unscathed but since that’s obviously not the case, I comfort myself with thought that all wounds eventually heal (though I may never be good as new and I may never be fine.)
For now, I’ll deal with each day as it comes hoping that I’ll soon recognize and grow to like the person staring back at me in the mirror. There are far too many changes and adjustments that I have to make. As for my heart, I haven’t gotten it back yet so it will have to remain dormant…but only for the time being.
"When you love someone, you say it. You say it right then, out loud, or the moment just passes you by…"
I didn’t let my once in a lifetime pass me by. I held on for as long as I could, for as long as I was allowed to . If you ask me now, I’ll still say that it’s true--I love you…
The past couple of weeks have been tumultuous to say the least, but it’s finally over. Though I try, I still find it hard to breathe a sigh of relief. Mainly because I know that this marks the end of something that I always thought would be great, something that remains to be the biggest part of my life, something that was the center of my universe, to the point that I was subconsciously (and yes, consciously) allowing it to eat me alive, something that I built my hopes and dreams on, something that for the longest time I believed in and thought to be real and true, something that even on its final hour, its dying breath, I fought for, of something that I will always and forever hold dear to my heart.
"Ang buhay ay isang gulong". I feel that in a span of two years, I have gone full circle. Everyone will have their fair share of ups and downs. It’s just a matter of getting back up on your feet when things aren’t exactly going your way.
There are many things that I regret and there are many things that I so desperately want to change, thinking that maybe it would’ve changed the outcome and the way things are now but then again, maybe this is how it’s really supposed to be. We were just delaying the inevitable. There is a reason for everything and there are lessons to be learnt from every event (though unfortunate) that occurs. I have yet to figure out what some of those are. I only pray that (God forbid!) should I be placed in the same situation, I might actually make the smarter decision.
I feel as if I just woke up from a really deep sleep and now that I am awake, I am unsure of what to do and where to go. I’m in limbo but for the sake of those who believe in me and for those who see me as the strongest person they know, I have to put on a brave face. It’s so hard not to break down when truly, that’s the only thing I want to do. I will not allow myself to, at least not yet.
As every second and every minute passes me by, I feel my chest getting tighter and tighter. I feel like I’m suffocating when ironically, for the first time in ages, I am free. Maybe it’s because this wasn’t what I wanted although admittedly, it was partly my doing. My umbilical cord was cut even before I was ready to be born and now, I am left to fend for myself and to operate on my own. Where do I go from here? How do I let go?
The other day I was able to come to terms with one of the many ghosts that has been haunting my life for so long. I realized that there are people who are inherently good and forgiving even when by experience, I’ve been made to think otherwise. I’m trying to start this new lease on life with a clean slate. I think maybe this might be one of the brightest ideas I’ve ever had.
I’m still smarting from the recent blows that I’ve received. I haven’t even begun to move on, I’m not sure I know how. Everyday, I actually wonder if I’ll survive this heartache and if someday, I might be okay. The people who care about me confidently say that I will be but I still have my doubts. I’ve also been asking myself if everything that I’ve been through was worth it. I’m still weighing things in my head and more so, in my heart.
It’s no joke to open yourself up the way I did. I lay down my guard and I allowed myself to be vulnerable to hurtful and violent tirades but there’s really no one to blame. I chose to love and love I did. I wish I had come out of it unscathed but since that’s obviously not the case, I comfort myself with thought that all wounds eventually heal (though I may never be good as new and I may never be fine.)
For now, I’ll deal with each day as it comes hoping that I’ll soon recognize and grow to like the person staring back at me in the mirror. There are far too many changes and adjustments that I have to make. As for my heart, I haven’t gotten it back yet so it will have to remain dormant…but only for the time being.
"When you love someone, you say it. You say it right then, out loud, or the moment just passes you by…"
I didn’t let my once in a lifetime pass me by. I held on for as long as I could, for as long as I was allowed to . If you ask me now, I’ll still say that it’s true--I love you…
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